June 2, 2026

Parenting Through Play: Dr. Kim Van Dusen’s Simple Strategies to Reduce Tantrums, Improve Behavior, and Strengthen Family Connection

Parenting Through Play: Dr. Kim Van Dusen’s Simple Strategies to Reduce Tantrums, Improve Behavior, and Strengthen Family Connection
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What if the secret to fewer power struggles, better behavior, and a stronger connection with your child isn't another parenting hack—but play?In this episode of The Running Wine Mom, Samantha sits down with licensed therapist, registered play therapist, professor, podcast host, and author Dr. Kim Van Dusen to discuss her new book, Parenting Through Play. Together, they unpack why play is one of the most overlooked parenting tools, how it helps children communicate emotions, and practical ways parents can use playful strategies to navigate tantrums, sibling conflicts, picky eating, transitions, and everyday family stress. Dr. Kim shares the science behind play therapy, the inspiration behind becoming The Parentologist, and why connection—not punishment—is often the missing piece when parents feel stuck. She also offers simple play-based techniques that can be implemented immediately, even by busy, exhausted parents.Whether you're raising toddlers, navigating the tween years, or supporting a neurodivergent child, this conversation is packed with practical tools that can help bring more peace and connection into your home. In This Episode:

  • Why play is a child's primary language
  • The difference between connection-based parenting and permissive parenting
  • How playful parenting reduces power struggles and tantrums
  • Strategies for picky eaters and difficult transitions
  • The "Do-Over Method" for correcting behavior without shame
  • How play supports children with ADHD, autism, and sensory differences
  • Practical ways to strengthen parent-child connection in under five minutes
  • Why discipline works better when it's built on trust and attachment
  • Behind-the-scenes of writing Parenting Through Play
  • Lessons from nearly 20 years as a child therapist and play therapist
Connect with Dr. Kim Van DusenWebsite: The ParentologistInstagram: @theparentologistPodcast: The Parentologist PodcastBook: Parenting Through Play
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And so where I come from. In my parenting style,

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I call it played out parenting. In my book, I

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literally say like, this is a new played out parenting

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style you know that you can adopt, but it kind.

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Of meets at parents in the middle. Welcome back to

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the Running Win Mom Podcast. I'm your host, Samantha Selinsky

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aka the Running wy Mom. Today if we've got doctor

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Kim van Duson on the show. Licensed therapists, registered play therapist, professor,

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host of The Parentologists podcast, and the author of the

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new book Parenting Through Play. We're talking connection over consequences,

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tiny playful moves that actually change behavior, how play works

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across ages and neurodiversity, and the real life chaos behind

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the expert title. Get ready for stories, practical tips you

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can try tonight, and a few moments of honest parenting

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confession from myself. Without further ado, let's welcome Doctor van Duson, Welcome.

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Hi, thank you for having me. I'm so excited to

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be here. I am very excited.

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And my signature on my email is, we don't stop

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playing because we were old.

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We grow old because we stopped playing.

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So I thought this is gonna be the perfect Conversation

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today for everything. But before we get into that, we

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start each episode with our wine, Wine and One of

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the Week segment. This is where we share our favorite

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bottle of wine about something that's been bothering us and

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celebrate our recent victories. So grab a ba, let's take

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a deep breath and let's get started. So what is

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your drinking wine of the week?

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Ooh, well, last night and I go to for white

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is always a solvingon blanc. So I was, actually, I

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have just here last night with a friend and I

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ordered a Solvingyon blanc. They only had one by the

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glass on the menu, and I'm like, that's the one

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I want. I don't even know where it was from,

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but if it's from New Zealand, it's even better. That's

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my favorite. But my favorite bottle of wine that my

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husband will get me on occasion, it's been my favorite

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for years and years is a Robert Mondabi Pino noir

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and if you've ever had it, it's a reserve bottle.

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It's less than twenty dollars, usually even less than fifteen,

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so it's pretty reason to be priced, but it's so good.

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So if you want a good read, that's my go to,

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and if not, it's always a salving Yon Blanc.

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Well, you're just like me. I'm like a savvy b

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from en Z is my favorite kind.

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I like that. I'm gonna use that.

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And I love a Pano Noir in the winter. You know,

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it's just I love so I'll have to try that one.

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So what is your complaint wine of the week?

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Oh well, if I'm being honest, I'm right in the

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middle of getting my book out in the world. My

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pub dic is coming around the corner, and so it's

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just been just jamming left and right. My schedule's been

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busy and just trying to get all out there. But

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I feel a little in the dark. Sometimes I'm on

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my own. I'm not having a ton of support, and

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so I think that's just my biggest wine. It's just like,

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I really want to get this book out into the world.

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I know it's going to change lives, and you know,

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I just feel like there's a lot of obstacles along

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the way. I think people don't see the behind the

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scenes of what's happening when you try to launch a book.

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So it's it's been a lot of work, and you know,

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I just I just called a couple of bookstores so

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excited to be like, are you going to carry this book?

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I didn't tell them I was the author. I just said,

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you know, do you have it scheduled to be in

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the bookstore on Tuesday? And they're like, no, we don't

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even have it ordered yet, and I'm like no. So

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I'm like calling all these bookstores now, like trying to

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like sell them on buying the book, because I'm like golf,

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it's not if it's not in the public, then no

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one's going to see it and buy it. So it's

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just been it's been hard. I'm not gonna lie. The

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behind the scenes is a little stressful, but I'm also

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excited trying to stay present in the moment and just

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try to, you know, glean onto the people that are

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saying yes and interviewing me like yourself, and just trying

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to get it out there to as many parents as

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I can. Yeah, it's so.

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I mean, I have been lucky to interview so many

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authors big and just starting out, and I just feel

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like it's such a difficult space to be in and

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and I love I love interviewing authors specifically for that,

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just in hopes that I can get their book, just

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even if it hits one extra person, like, because you

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guys work so hard and it's just so difficult to.

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Get it out there.

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So I haven't I'm not in your position, but I

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totally can understand what you're you're kind of going through.

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Yeah, thank you. Especially I could get to like a

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top of a mountaintop and just like start sharing it

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what they like, just throwing them off and just having

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them land and people there something I may have to

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do that. Yeah, So well, to go in a different direction.

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What's your win of the week, Well, my win of

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the week is, honestly, I've just been doing again a

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lot of networking and I've landed a couple of really

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great media interviews for next week on television in a

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couple of local markets that I'm super excited about. And

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so I feel like my mantra I guess in life

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is if you don't ask, you're never going to get

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the yes. But you have to put yourself out there

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and take the risk, and there's going to be a

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lot of no's. You know, you are going to get rejected.

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I get rejected all the time. But the people that

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say yes and want to interview or believe in you know,

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this book, or just believe in what I have to share.

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I try to just focus on those, and so yeah,

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I got I have three local news media interviews for

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next week in three different cities, and they said yes,

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and they never would have to put myself out there

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and even asked, and that was my win for the week.

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It is truly the most underrated thing is just asking

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and putting yourself out there. And again even with the

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podcast that I have been like, I'm going to ask

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this person. I don't know if they're good, They're probably

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gonna say no, and and some do. But then when

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people say yes, you're like, well, it's really nice that

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they said yes. And they never would have said yes

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if you didn't ask. And if you if people say no,

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you're still in the same position that you were before

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they said no.

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There's no exactly.

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Some people get caught up in the they said no,

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they said no versus you know, yeah, well someone will.

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Say yes, someone will say yes, yes exactly.

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So the running line, Mom, we talk a little fitness,

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what's your favorite way to say active?

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I love hiking, so I love in southern California, and

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so you know, we're very lucky and weather is pretty

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good most of the year, so hiking's really big. I'm

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in southern California, so there's a lot of trails and

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I just love, you know, the movement. I love being

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in fresh air nature, just the trees. It's so therapeutic.

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There is an actual thing like called eco therapy and

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color therapy where you you know, look at blue and

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green hues and you know, get you get. Your your

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mood is better, You're more balanced, and just you know,

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your your stress levels are down, your your nervous system

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is more regulated. So there isn't actual science behind it,

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but I just do. I love the way it feels

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and I love just being out in nature, so we

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do that a lot. We have a new puppy, so

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I've been walking her in the neighborhood. She's five months now,

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so I put on my weighted best and I go

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walking in the neighborhood with her once or twice a

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day if I can. But if I have more time,

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definitely that or even maybe some yoga. But I do

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love running. I I'm just recovering from surgery still. I

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had a recent surgery lately. So once I'm back up

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and back up in, you know, one hundred percent. Again,

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I'm gonna get running because I just love the the

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endorphins that come from a good run. It really there's

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nothing like it.

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Yeah, I love hiking, love running, so I can totally relate.

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But so what how do you think maintaining your fitness

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routine contributes to your mental health?

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Oh, it's it coincides one hundred percent if I I mean,

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obviously it's a mental health therapist, you know. I guess

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its probably cliche for me to say that, but I

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mean there's there's research back that it does, right, I mean,

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that's the proof is in the pudding there. But but

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it really does. Like I notice myself just in my

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mood and my temperament, my energy level, the way I

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interact with my husband, my kids, you know, people in general,

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the way reply to emails. No, it's just I get

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better sleep when I get movement. When I exercise and

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move my body, I have better sleep. I have a

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better mood. My cravings for different things are more tame.

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So let's say that I don't get movement, I don't

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get sleep. Those are the days I'm eating more carbs

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and sugars and chocolate. And you know all the things,

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which they're not bad. Trust me, I love I love

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the good treat. But you know that's when I'm just

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grabbing for whatever I can versus actually like prepping a

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meal and eating more nutritionally and more balanced and things

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like that. So it just it not only affects me

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in a physical way, but it also affects obviously my

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mental state and my emotional state. I'm much more like

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patience and calm, especially when it comes to the kids.

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You know, if I if I get movement during the day.

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So important and moving right into kids. We also talk

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a little parenthood. So tell us about your family.

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So I have a husband and we actually met when

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we were getting our doctorates together. We both have our

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doctorates in psychology back in I think our program started

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in two thousand and seven and we both graduated in

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twenty thirteen. But yeah, we've been married since twenty eleven,

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and so it's coming up on fifteen years. This may

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actually it's coming up soon. And actually at our I

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was the graduate speaker at our commencement ceremony when we

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were again getting our doctorates, and I was actually pregnant

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with our daughter at the time. We had just been

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married for about you know, two years at that point,

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and I was pregnant with her, and so that was

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really exciting. And I started my parenting journey in twenty thirteen.

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So I have a twelve year old daughter now, and

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a couple of years later I had my son. So

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I have a little boy who's nine inside, a sixth

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grader and a third grader, and we have the new puppy.

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So yeah, you know, right, but it's good. I'll running

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into the tween years and you know, in school age.

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But most of the kids I see in my clinical

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practice and that I've seen, I've worked as a therapist,

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as you said, a child and play therapist for almost

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twenty years now, and most of the kids I work

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with are toddlers in early elementary school. So kind of

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like the three to seven is missed my sweet spot

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when it comes to children from a clinical perspective. So

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so even though my kids are getting older, I'm still

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staying young. And then that's space with the young ones,

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you know, at least clinically.

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Perfect for me to ask my questions as having a

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four and five year leading you up, like, I'm like here,

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I know, I'm like, let's get to these other questions.

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I got to ask you what you were at least

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prepared for in first gosh, well, you know, honestly, And

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I share this a little bit in the book too.

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I think no one ever taught me how hard it

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was going to be, or there was no book out there,

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I guess, or just no resource out there for parents,

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moms specifically. I'll speak for myself on going from one

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child to two, and not everyone has two children or

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even more than that, and I never had more than two,

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so maybe it's different when you have three four. You know,

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my friends that have seven children, so I'm sure experience

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is a little bit different. But going from that one

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child to two was really hard. And again I share

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this in the book of the Moment. I my daughter

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who was three at the time. She had just turned

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three when I had my son, and you know, I

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had see sections, so I was trying to recover physically

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from the C section. My hormones were mentally and emotionally

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all over the place and physically all over the place,

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and my three year old daughter kept asking me to

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play with her, and I share in the book that

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I just I didn't have the time or the energy.

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I had this newborn. I'm literally feeding him in his

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rocking chair, and she's begging me to play with her,

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and I kept saying no, and I felt so much guilt.

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I felt so much guilt and shame and that I

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couldn't give my one hundred percent to her anymore because

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for three years that was it. It was just me

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and her, and I wasn't I had to share my

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time and share my resources, and it was it was

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really hard. I went through a really tough phase of

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trying to balance it all and trying to be okay

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with balancing at all and not feeling guilty that I

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was spending more time with one or the other. It's

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kind of opening up more love and sharing that love

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versus it being funneled into one child. Now it was

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being funneled into two. And that was That was a

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hard transition for me.

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Yeah, it's it's interesting talking to people because some people,

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like myself, zero to one was like a huge punch

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in the face, and one to two I was super

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nervous for because a lot of people, you know, said

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that was harder, and it was easier for me, but

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so many people that I but then some people at

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the apisite where they say zero to one was like

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super easy. It wasn't like a big change, and one

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to two was the big change. And I'm like, you

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don't have more than two, So I don't know what

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happens at three.

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I don't think it's worse or better.

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I'm not sure our person yeah, you know, yeah, but

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I feel like it's split in the amount of people

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that you know, so many people. I mean, I was

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so scared to go from one to two because so

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many people were telling me how difficult it was. And

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I'm like, zero to one literally I almost did not

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survive because it was that hard for me. And then

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I kind of was like, oh, this wasn't as bad

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as I saw. But you know, yeah, and life goes

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on and you just you kind of adapt. I mean

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that's the think what we're good at, you know, as moms.

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We pivot and we adapt, and you know, it's a

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very fluid process and you just kind of you're you

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kind of get used to the new normal if you will.

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But but I remember, you know, just those first couple

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of months being very emotional for me of just learning

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how how to do that, how to even adapt and

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the pivot, like that.

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So it's interesting to ask you this question because you

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are you have a doctorate in it, but you know,

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in parenting, but what is your parenting style?

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So in I know this sounds to light. I know

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I keep going back to the book. Obviously it's top

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of mind, but you know, I talk about, and I've

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talked about this a lot in interviews that I feel

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like the way that I was raised, you know, and

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my parents were baby boomers, and the way I was raised,

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and I think a lot of us in that are

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in around that age and that were raised the same way.

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We're kind of raised in a household where it was

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very strict. It was very like you do as I say,

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I'm the adult, you're the child. You know that's saying

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what was it? Because I said so was kind of

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you know what we grow up kind of learning and hearing,

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and I think there's a lot of parents that are

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my age that were raised in that kind of environment.

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Still loving obviously, but you know, having that type of

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mindset around parenting that we we in a way went

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to the other side of the spectrum and almost rebelled

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a little bit of well, I don't want to treat

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my child like that I don't want to raise my

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child like that. I'm going to be more connecting and

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more loving and you know, all of those things. And

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so I think that's where like the gentle kind of

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conscious parenting came from, where we really allowed children to

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have a voice, let them be seen, let them be heard,

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but almost to the point where it was too much.

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And now we're kind of trying to find that middle

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ground because then we started finding that children are being

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much more entitled or kind of running the show, and

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the limits and boundaries were not as effective anymore or

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not not being told as you know, expected as much anymore.

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They are effective, they just weren't being used. And so

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where I come from in my parenting style and I

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call it play it out parenting in my book, I

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literally say, like, this is a new play it out

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parenting style. You know that you can adopt, but it

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kind of meets at parents in the middle, where you

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there's chapters on limit setting, there's chapters on the boundary setting.

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There's you know, chapters on how to effectively give outcomes

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and consequences and things like that when they're needed. But

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that's that's a half the book, and half the book

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you know, relates around play and different things like that,

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but it's very behaviorally based, so you know, you still

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need those things to be an effective parent, But then

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you also need the connection piece, the trust and the

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safety and that foundation. So then when you do have

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to set a rule or ask them to comply in

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some way, they're more apt to do it because you've

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already done the roadwork first with the trust, the safety,

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the connection you know, to begin with. So it kind

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of marries both and kind of meets parents in the middle.

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And what's one piece of advice that you give to

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other parents? Honestly, to be open to new things is

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something that I feel like I repeat over and over again.

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And what I mean by that is a lot of

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times I work with parents and they'll say that won't

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work for me. I'll give them an intervention to try

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at home, and they'll just dismiss it before I've ben

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trying it. Oh, that won't work for my child, you know,

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Or that's not the kind of parent I am. And

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that's fine. There's no perfect mold for the perfect parent,

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or even a mold for a certain child. We're all different,

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and you do know your child best as the parent

351
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but I just see things. You know, over twenty years,

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I've you know, done a lot of the parenting I've

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done with my own children and the clients I have

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and coaching those parents is all research backed. It's all

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evidence based, effective, well researched ways on how to parent

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more effectively. And so knowing that from that kind of

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expertise and my personal experience again being a mom, you know,

358
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so well, just you know, let's do an experiment. Let's

359
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just try let's just see if it works. Let's just

360
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try it for a week and see if it works

361
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until our next session and then okay, and then sometimes

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they'll come back ouid and try it, or I tried

363
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it once and it didn't work, Okay, keep trying it.

364
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Let's do it for one give it a good go

365
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for one week, and then they'll do it and then

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they'll see the change and they'll know that it worked.

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And so I think if I can get parents past

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that barrier that they give themselves and limit themselves with

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because they come to me because they want solutions. They

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come to me because they want that advice. But then

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when I give it to them, it's like there's that pushback,

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you know of like right, you know, they kind of

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dismiss it, like that's not going to work, or I

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try it once, or But so I think that's what

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I would hope people that read this book and hear

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what I have to say is just giving it an opportunity.

377
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You lose as an experiment, but just try it and

378
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try give it a really good go, and if it

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still doesn't work, then take another tool out of your toolbox.

380
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But until then, try this first, because this might be

381
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the answer you've been looking for. This might solve a

382
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lot of your problems and challenges that you're having. So

383
00:16:59.279 --> 00:17:01.360
it's just being open minded is kind of my biggest

384
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thing that I that I hope parents take away from it.

385
00:17:03.240 --> 00:17:05.920
All Right, well, I think that's the perfect segue to

386
00:17:05.960 --> 00:17:09.240
get into you. So you call yourself the parentologist. Walk

387
00:17:09.319 --> 00:17:12.279
us through what that means to you. How did you

388
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come up with that name and why you know you

389
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have a background in broadcast journalism and obviously play therapy,

390
00:17:20.799 --> 00:17:23.039
and how did that kind of lead to your whole identity.

391
00:17:23.680 --> 00:17:25.880
Yeah, it's it's funny because I feel like I needed

392
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all those other lives that I let I lived for

393
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so many years before I came to where I am today.

394
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And it's funny because the people that I worked with

395
00:17:32.799 --> 00:17:34.920
years ago when different careers that know me and know

396
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what I do now, and they're like, oh, yeah, that

397
00:17:36.680 --> 00:17:39.559
makes sense, or they'll say, you know, oh well that

398
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that training that you had in that job helped you

399
00:17:41.480 --> 00:17:43.480
get to where you are today, and it's true and

400
00:17:43.519 --> 00:17:45.000
I kind of needed them all to be here, and

401
00:17:45.039 --> 00:17:47.279
you know, not everybody needs that, but it worked for me.

402
00:17:47.839 --> 00:17:51.160
So so yeah. So after my bachelor's I received my

403
00:17:51.720 --> 00:17:54.759
first master's in TV broadcasting and broadcast Journalism, and I

404
00:17:54.799 --> 00:17:58.599
worked as a reporter and a producer for many years

405
00:17:58.680 --> 00:18:01.640
up in LA I would interview celebrities on the Red Carpet.

406
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I would work for E Entertainment, Entertainment Tonight. I would

407
00:18:04.480 --> 00:18:07.000
do a lot of reporting for Fox Sports Radio. And

408
00:18:07.039 --> 00:18:09.240
then I kind of wanted to stay in that field,

409
00:18:09.319 --> 00:18:11.359
but I wasn't necessarily wanted to, you know, do the

410
00:18:11.400 --> 00:18:14.839
broadcasting aspect anymore. And so then I went into a

411
00:18:14.920 --> 00:18:18.839
sales advertising marketing job Corporate America. Wore suits every day,

412
00:18:18.920 --> 00:18:20.720
had my own office, my own assistant. I would go

413
00:18:20.759 --> 00:18:23.119
on you know, business trips all the time. You know,

414
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basically for these radio stations so I learned a lot

415
00:18:27.559 --> 00:18:30.720
in the marketing sense on that way. And then and

416
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then I decided I wanted to change careers again, and

417
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so I went back and got my doctor in psychology

418
00:18:36.039 --> 00:18:38.400
and then went, you know, down that path. And so

419
00:18:38.599 --> 00:18:40.480
and then when I finally became a mom, I knew

420
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I always wanted to kind of start my own business.

421
00:18:42.079 --> 00:18:44.039
I knew the two things I really wanted to get

422
00:18:44.079 --> 00:18:47.079
my doctorate for, obviously in an inclusion of doing therapy

423
00:18:47.119 --> 00:18:49.359
with with kids and families, but I wanted to be

424
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a professor and I wanted to be an author, and

425
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I knew that I had to get to that point

426
00:18:54.039 --> 00:18:57.039
educationally to have that clout behind my name to really

427
00:18:57.039 --> 00:19:00.200
be able to do that. And so that kind of

428
00:19:00.240 --> 00:19:02.920
started started that path. And so, you know, that's when

429
00:19:03.039 --> 00:19:06.039
social media was just blooming. Like I think when I

430
00:19:06.079 --> 00:19:08.920
first started Instagram may have just been out for a year.

431
00:19:09.200 --> 00:19:11.920
Facebook and everything was still so new. I don't even

432
00:19:12.039 --> 00:19:15.039
know if I think texting even on a phone was done,

433
00:19:15.240 --> 00:19:18.240
and I know, I'm like, yet, no, I get it, No,

434
00:19:18.720 --> 00:19:21.119
it was. It was different back then, and so you

435
00:19:21.200 --> 00:19:23.400
needed kind of an identity if you wanted to start

436
00:19:23.440 --> 00:19:26.079
your own company and be branded. You had to kind

437
00:19:26.079 --> 00:19:27.960
of have a name and a website and a social

438
00:19:28.039 --> 00:19:32.000
media platform and all those things. And so I started researching.

439
00:19:32.079 --> 00:19:33.599
I said, okay, well, if I'm going to do this,

440
00:19:34.359 --> 00:19:36.440
i'm you know, and I wanted to do interviews in

441
00:19:36.640 --> 00:19:38.720
media and things like that too, and still marry that

442
00:19:38.920 --> 00:19:42.200
those two, the psychology and the broadcasting together and kind

443
00:19:42.200 --> 00:19:44.640
of be like the expert that that goes on parenting

444
00:19:44.640 --> 00:19:49.680
segments and you know, things like that. So I researched names,

445
00:19:49.759 --> 00:19:52.799
and so many different ones came up, like the mommy therapist,

446
00:19:52.880 --> 00:19:54.720
and like all these different ones that I was trying

447
00:19:54.720 --> 00:19:58.960
to go for doctor mom and you know, and then yeah, right,

448
00:19:59.039 --> 00:20:01.039
I mean there was all those ones, but they were

449
00:20:01.039 --> 00:20:05.599
all taken. And so somehow I found parent you know,

450
00:20:05.640 --> 00:20:08.240
because I was a parent and ologist since I was

451
00:20:08.279 --> 00:20:12.039
a you know, in the psychologist field, and so I said, okay, parentologist, oh,

452
00:20:12.160 --> 00:20:15.640
parenting expert, that makes perfect sense, typed it in it

453
00:20:15.720 --> 00:20:18.920
was the domain was available, so I went with it,

454
00:20:18.960 --> 00:20:21.599
and I just branded everything after that. So that's kind

455
00:20:21.640 --> 00:20:23.519
of how it was born. And I was able to

456
00:20:23.720 --> 00:20:27.359
market myself on social media by using that background obviously,

457
00:20:27.359 --> 00:20:30.599
the broadcasting background, and then the psychology background, and that's

458
00:20:30.599 --> 00:20:32.279
where it was born and that's where it's led me

459
00:20:32.319 --> 00:20:32.799
to today.

460
00:20:34.039 --> 00:20:36.920
So fun And you've said that play is one of

461
00:20:36.960 --> 00:20:41.279
the most underused parenting tool. When did you personally realize

462
00:20:41.839 --> 00:20:44.680
this does change the game in parenting?

463
00:20:45.480 --> 00:20:48.279
I mean, I think I noticed it in my very

464
00:20:48.319 --> 00:20:51.440
first play therapy class that I took. I personally fell

465
00:20:51.440 --> 00:20:53.319
in love with it after the first class, and I thought,

466
00:20:53.519 --> 00:20:56.519
why is this not being used more? And it's funny

467
00:20:56.559 --> 00:21:00.000
because most of my colleagues, if not almost all of them,

468
00:21:00.160 --> 00:21:03.200
including my own husband, can't fathom working with kids. They

469
00:21:03.279 --> 00:21:05.319
just don't know if they were great, they could be

470
00:21:05.319 --> 00:21:07.240
a great parent and still not want to clinically work

471
00:21:07.279 --> 00:21:10.160
with children. I get asked for referrals all the time

472
00:21:10.200 --> 00:21:11.839
and they're like, who do you know that also does

473
00:21:11.839 --> 00:21:14.559
what you do? But I don't. It's very few and

474
00:21:14.599 --> 00:21:16.799
far between to work with kids and to also do

475
00:21:16.880 --> 00:21:20.480
play as their specialty. So that being said, you know,

476
00:21:20.799 --> 00:21:23.920
I just knew that it was working in the clinical sense.

477
00:21:24.079 --> 00:21:25.880
I mean I saw it every day with my clients

478
00:21:26.039 --> 00:21:29.240
that would work with them and all sorts of things,

479
00:21:29.279 --> 00:21:33.759
whether it was ADHD, autism, anxiety depression, kids their parents

480
00:21:33.799 --> 00:21:36.200
were going through a divorce, or just going through a

481
00:21:36.240 --> 00:21:38.759
life transition, a new sibling and moving to a new city,

482
00:21:38.799 --> 00:21:40.960
a new school, you name it, I would see it.

483
00:21:41.000 --> 00:21:43.880
I had a child with SELECTI mutism in one of

484
00:21:43.960 --> 00:21:46.319
my first years I was working, and she wouldn't talk

485
00:21:46.400 --> 00:21:49.000
to anyone for an entire year, not her teachers, not

486
00:21:49.039 --> 00:21:51.680
her friends at school, nobody. And so I worked with

487
00:21:51.720 --> 00:21:54.079
her in a play based way, and I remember the

488
00:21:54.119 --> 00:21:55.720
principal would where I was at a school, and I

489
00:21:55.759 --> 00:21:57.799
remember the principal looked through the window of the door

490
00:21:58.319 --> 00:22:00.720
and he got upset me called my super and said,

491
00:22:00.960 --> 00:22:02.759
I'm not paying her just to play with this child

492
00:22:02.799 --> 00:22:04.640
all day, like she needs to get some movement, like

493
00:22:04.720 --> 00:22:06.240
you know, we need to get this child talking. I

494
00:22:06.240 --> 00:22:08.319
remember him being so upset that I was just quote

495
00:22:08.400 --> 00:22:10.799
unquote playing with her. And I've had teachers refused to

496
00:22:10.839 --> 00:22:13.319
see me because they're like, they're misbehaving in the classroom.

497
00:22:13.599 --> 00:22:15.559
It's a reward to come play with you, so they wouldn't.

498
00:22:15.559 --> 00:22:17.160
They won't even let them model the classroom, even to

499
00:22:17.160 --> 00:22:19.559
get their therapy for the week, right. So it was

500
00:22:19.599 --> 00:22:22.000
all these obstacles and I got that little girl to

501
00:22:22.039 --> 00:22:23.839
talk to me. I was the only one on the

502
00:22:24.000 --> 00:22:27.839
entire campus the entire year to get and she only

503
00:22:27.839 --> 00:22:30.119
whispered to me. But it was such a big win

504
00:22:30.240 --> 00:22:32.240
for me, and I did it because I connected to

505
00:22:32.319 --> 00:22:34.759
her through play, and I had that trust and that

506
00:22:34.799 --> 00:22:38.200
safety with her and that mutual respect. And so I

507
00:22:38.279 --> 00:22:41.559
really started seeing more stories like that, just over and

508
00:22:41.640 --> 00:22:44.440
over and over again, getting through to these kids, healing

509
00:22:44.440 --> 00:22:47.079
their trauma, healing the things they were going through, all

510
00:22:47.119 --> 00:22:50.160
by using play. And then when I became a mom myself,

511
00:22:50.240 --> 00:22:53.119
and I started noticing me just being more playful with

512
00:22:53.160 --> 00:22:56.079
my kids and having that more play based mentality around

513
00:22:56.119 --> 00:23:00.359
parenthood and started seeing my kids behave or other parents

514
00:23:00.400 --> 00:23:02.799
would say, how come your kids are never tangering? How

515
00:23:02.799 --> 00:23:04.880
come your kids are always listening? Or you know, and

516
00:23:04.920 --> 00:23:07.519
they don't. I mean, they have their moments, but I

517
00:23:07.559 --> 00:23:10.640
think a lot less than other parents that were watching

518
00:23:10.839 --> 00:23:13.960
because I just approached it very differently that no other

519
00:23:14.079 --> 00:23:17.160
parent was utilizing. So that's why I wanted to write

520
00:23:17.160 --> 00:23:19.400
the book. It's to just get all those tried and

521
00:23:19.440 --> 00:23:21.640
true secrets that I've had professionally in personal for the

522
00:23:21.680 --> 00:23:25.000
years and just give it to everyone in the most tangible,

523
00:23:25.039 --> 00:23:27.519
digestible way so they can implement those things in their

524
00:23:27.559 --> 00:23:27.960
home too.

525
00:23:28.119 --> 00:23:31.400
So for the parents that are listening, and it's kind

526
00:23:31.440 --> 00:23:34.079
of like the people in the schools, you know who

527
00:23:34.319 --> 00:23:38.160
they hear play therapy and they think, what this doesn't

528
00:23:38.200 --> 00:23:39.920
you know, this isn't going to work, or I don't

529
00:23:39.960 --> 00:23:43.480
have time to play, you know, I'm busy. What are

530
00:23:43.519 --> 00:23:48.319
we misunderstanding about what is happening during this time?

531
00:23:48.920 --> 00:23:51.480
Yeah, and there's two. Yeah, that's a great question. I

532
00:23:51.519 --> 00:23:54.480
get it a lot, actually, And you know I can't.

533
00:23:54.759 --> 00:23:58.440
I can never force anyone to do the intervention this book,

534
00:23:58.720 --> 00:24:01.279
whether I know they work or not. It's hard to

535
00:24:01.279 --> 00:24:04.200
convince parents how to parents sometimes, so you know, there's

536
00:24:04.240 --> 00:24:06.079
that obstacle. But if they just, like I said, if

537
00:24:06.079 --> 00:24:07.799
they just are open minded about it, there is a

538
00:24:07.839 --> 00:24:10.400
mindset shift to it. And I'll share two really quick

539
00:24:10.720 --> 00:24:12.519
kind of stories and hope that it, you know, answers

540
00:24:12.559 --> 00:24:15.839
the question, but the first one being and I share

541
00:24:15.880 --> 00:24:17.480
this a lot, and I mean this with you know,

542
00:24:17.759 --> 00:24:20.359
in a funny way. It's a metaphor that I use

543
00:24:20.400 --> 00:24:23.240
a lot about how when two dogs meet for the

544
00:24:23.240 --> 00:24:25.559
first time, they sniff each other to see if they

545
00:24:25.640 --> 00:24:27.759
like each other right to connect, they sniff each other

546
00:24:27.759 --> 00:24:31.960
so it's very sensory driven. When adults connect, they talk, Hi,

547
00:24:32.119 --> 00:24:34.160
how are you, what's your name? You know, how do

548
00:24:34.160 --> 00:24:35.200
we get to know each other? What do we have

549
00:24:35.200 --> 00:24:36.680
in common? What can we meet? But it's all done

550
00:24:36.720 --> 00:24:40.079
through talking. When two kids connect at the park with

551
00:24:40.160 --> 00:24:42.599
their neighbors, what do they say? Can you play with me?

552
00:24:43.119 --> 00:24:44.920
Or knock knock knock? You know, can so and so

553
00:24:45.000 --> 00:24:47.400
come out and play? It's all done through play. And

554
00:24:47.400 --> 00:24:49.200
some of us not even you don't even ask that question.

555
00:24:49.279 --> 00:24:51.079
Sometimes they just walk up to the child next to

556
00:24:51.119 --> 00:24:54.519
them and just start playing, parallel playing, you know, aside them.

557
00:24:54.920 --> 00:24:57.119
So it's all done through play. So as absurd as

558
00:24:57.160 --> 00:24:59.799
it would be for a parent or for a yeah,

559
00:24:59.839 --> 00:25:01.799
for adults to think that they would meet each other

560
00:25:01.799 --> 00:25:04.359
by sniffing each other. Can you imagine like adults being

561
00:25:04.359 --> 00:25:07.000
in the wild and like sniffing each other. It's just

562
00:25:07.240 --> 00:25:09.359
I know the image. I'm sorry, I know the visions

563
00:25:09.400 --> 00:25:12.640
of it. But it's just as absurd for parents to

564
00:25:12.720 --> 00:25:15.680
think that they can connect with their child through talking,

565
00:25:16.079 --> 00:25:18.480
because play is their language. It's really how they're going

566
00:25:18.519 --> 00:25:20.880
to connect with them the most. And so and then

567
00:25:20.960 --> 00:25:23.279
parents will say, well, i'm tired, I don't have time

568
00:25:23.319 --> 00:25:26.279
for this it. You know, plays for kids, Well, ay,

569
00:25:26.440 --> 00:25:29.599
if you prioritize play first before anything else, you'll get

570
00:25:29.599 --> 00:25:32.000
more compliance, you'll get better behavior, you know, you'll get

571
00:25:32.000 --> 00:25:34.519
all those things, less power struggles, less tantrums, you know,

572
00:25:34.640 --> 00:25:37.559
less defiance, all of that, less aggression and anger. And

573
00:25:37.559 --> 00:25:39.880
that's again proven in the research. And you know also,

574
00:25:40.160 --> 00:25:42.720
but parenting is going to be hard either way. Parenting

575
00:25:42.839 --> 00:25:46.599
is really hard when you're struggling with your child, they're crying,

576
00:25:46.680 --> 00:25:50.720
you're yelling, it's very stressful. All everyone's stress hormones are high.

577
00:25:50.839 --> 00:25:52.839
That's going to be hard, right, and that takes time

578
00:25:52.880 --> 00:25:55.680
and energy to get everyone regulated again, to you know,

579
00:25:55.799 --> 00:25:58.680
diffuse the problem all of that. That takes a lot

580
00:25:58.720 --> 00:26:01.720
of time and energy. And peacefulness also takes a lot

581
00:26:01.759 --> 00:26:03.960
of time and energy, but it's a whole different route

582
00:26:03.960 --> 00:26:06.240
to take. So, if you're going to put your time

583
00:26:06.279 --> 00:26:08.720
and energy into parenting and doing one thing over another,

584
00:26:08.839 --> 00:26:11.680
do you want to do the defiance you know, power struggle,

585
00:26:11.759 --> 00:26:14.119
tantrum way and the yelling and crying way, or would

586
00:26:14.160 --> 00:26:16.599
you rather use the techniques that I share and maybe

587
00:26:16.599 --> 00:26:19.440
put a little effort into your playfulness and doing it

588
00:26:19.480 --> 00:26:20.720
that way? But you're going to get a lot more

589
00:26:20.759 --> 00:26:22.759
peacefulness out of your home and a lot more compliance

590
00:26:22.799 --> 00:26:23.559
along the way too.

591
00:26:24.839 --> 00:26:28.200
Yeah, and so what does play give kids emotionally that

592
00:26:28.279 --> 00:26:31.519
traditional discipline or talking it out sometimes can't.

593
00:26:31.839 --> 00:26:34.119
Well, I think, you know, just going back to you know,

594
00:26:34.200 --> 00:26:35.960
a lot of a lot of children don't have the

595
00:26:36.119 --> 00:26:38.359
speech and language skills to be able to communicate in

596
00:26:38.480 --> 00:26:41.839
talking way right. Some you know, some kids are nonverbal,

597
00:26:41.960 --> 00:26:45.640
or some kids, you know, just just get anxious around

598
00:26:46.279 --> 00:26:49.599
having eye contact and having long conversations, you know, talking,

599
00:26:49.960 --> 00:26:52.359
you know, a five minute conversation does seem like, oh,

600
00:26:52.559 --> 00:26:54.920
it's a teaching moment, We're just teaching them this or that.

601
00:26:55.200 --> 00:26:57.440
But to them it can feel like this excruciating lecture

602
00:26:57.480 --> 00:27:00.720
where they feel trapped and so things are going to happen.

603
00:27:00.759 --> 00:27:02.720
They're either going to withdraw and then you're gonna get

604
00:27:02.759 --> 00:27:05.160
get mad at them because you're you think they're ignoring

605
00:27:05.200 --> 00:27:08.599
you or not listening right, or you know, they might

606
00:27:08.920 --> 00:27:11.319
act out and start doing something just to get in trouble,

607
00:27:11.359 --> 00:27:12.519
just to get away from you so they can get

608
00:27:12.559 --> 00:27:14.920
away from the conversation. You know, So one of those

609
00:27:14.920 --> 00:27:16.519
things will happen. So if you do, you know, these

610
00:27:16.559 --> 00:27:19.440
things in short increment or do it through play. You

611
00:27:19.480 --> 00:27:21.359
can still use it as a teaching moment, but if

612
00:27:21.359 --> 00:27:24.240
you're doing it through play, it's almost disguised of Okay,

613
00:27:24.319 --> 00:27:26.599
we're playing and we're talking, or we're you know, we're

614
00:27:26.599 --> 00:27:29.839
playing through the scenario of whatever's happening, and it's much

615
00:27:29.880 --> 00:27:34.079
more approachable and digestible for the children to comprehend and

616
00:27:34.160 --> 00:27:36.440
make sense of and respond to as well.

617
00:27:37.599 --> 00:27:40.119
Yeah, all right, well let's get into the book Parenting

618
00:27:40.160 --> 00:27:43.839
through Play. It's a playful title with such a serious

619
00:27:43.880 --> 00:27:47.000
promise that people are coming to get advice about. What

620
00:27:47.119 --> 00:27:49.359
was this single idea or moment that pushed you to

621
00:27:49.400 --> 00:27:51.839
write this book and what gap in parenting books did

622
00:27:51.880 --> 00:27:52.440
you want to fill?

623
00:27:53.400 --> 00:27:55.240
Yeah? I did, thank you. That's a great question. And

624
00:27:55.279 --> 00:27:58.400
I did see a gap in the parenting world and

625
00:27:58.559 --> 00:28:01.200
parenting books. One of the last parenting books that came

626
00:28:01.240 --> 00:28:05.079
out was about twenty years ago, called Playful Parenting. If

627
00:28:05.079 --> 00:28:07.079
anyone's read it, you know it's a pretty popular book.

628
00:28:07.160 --> 00:28:09.400
Lawrence Cohan is the author, and it was phenomenal. It

629
00:28:09.440 --> 00:28:11.440
was a great book, but it was twenty years old,

630
00:28:11.440 --> 00:28:14.119
and I wanted to write something more modern. Right. That's

631
00:28:14.160 --> 00:28:17.119
two decades that it passed a lot of generational differences

632
00:28:17.119 --> 00:28:19.279
that have happened from parents from twenty years ago all

633
00:28:19.279 --> 00:28:22.400
the way to today and so, and I really wanted

634
00:28:22.440 --> 00:28:24.200
to write it in like a very like I said,

635
00:28:24.279 --> 00:28:27.680
quick simple way, like very quick how tos of if

636
00:28:27.720 --> 00:28:29.720
you want, if you're dealing with tantrums and meltdowns, you

637
00:28:29.759 --> 00:28:31.839
can go write to that chapter and get a pluthor

638
00:28:31.920 --> 00:28:34.880
of different ideas you can try for that moment. So

639
00:28:35.400 --> 00:28:38.119
it's a resource you can read, you know, from cover

640
00:28:38.200 --> 00:28:40.240
to cover, or you just flip to that chapter, like

641
00:28:40.279 --> 00:28:42.160
I have a chapter on picky eating and what to

642
00:28:42.240 --> 00:28:45.200
do and to help kids through you know, eating challenges

643
00:28:45.279 --> 00:28:46.799
and trying to get them to you know, try new

644
00:28:46.799 --> 00:28:48.960
foods in a playful way. So if you're dealing with that,

645
00:28:49.039 --> 00:28:51.000
you can go write to that chapter and try one

646
00:28:51.119 --> 00:28:52.720
thing and if that doesn't work, go to the next

647
00:28:52.759 --> 00:28:55.359
intervention or whatever it is. And so I tried to

648
00:28:55.400 --> 00:28:57.599
write it because I felt like a lot of books.

649
00:28:57.880 --> 00:29:00.200
So I taught play therapy as a professor for ten

650
00:29:00.279 --> 00:29:02.839
years and the books I had in the class were great,

651
00:29:02.880 --> 00:29:07.240
but they were very scientific, very research based. I think

652
00:29:07.440 --> 00:29:09.640
my students were getting a little bored it was just

653
00:29:09.720 --> 00:29:11.640
kind of theoretical, a lot of case studies, and I

654
00:29:11.640 --> 00:29:13.240
always said, I'm never going to have a case study

655
00:29:13.240 --> 00:29:14.599
when I write a book. You know, I'm like, one

656
00:29:14.640 --> 00:29:15.960
of these days, I'm going to write a book, and

657
00:29:16.000 --> 00:29:17.480
you guys have to, you know, buy My book is

658
00:29:17.519 --> 00:29:20.000
the class book. But and so I think I just

659
00:29:20.039 --> 00:29:23.839
saw the gap teaching play therapy as a professor, and

660
00:29:23.880 --> 00:29:25.880
then also like as a parent, I was I was

661
00:29:25.920 --> 00:29:27.519
seeing that gap, and so I said, I'm just going

662
00:29:27.599 --> 00:29:28.839
to do this. I'm just going to do it. I'm

663
00:29:28.839 --> 00:29:30.680
going to do it myself, make it all you know,

664
00:29:30.680 --> 00:29:32.960
ebrit in space. And then I do sprinkle in some

665
00:29:33.000 --> 00:29:36.079
heartfelt moments from my own parenting and my own clients

666
00:29:36.200 --> 00:29:38.640
to a certain sense. But it's written in a very,

667
00:29:38.720 --> 00:29:41.160
like I said, digestible way. And so when I saw

668
00:29:41.200 --> 00:29:43.960
those gaps, I just knew I wanted to fill them.

669
00:29:44.440 --> 00:29:48.279
And like I said, it's the play therapy, solution focused therapy,

670
00:29:48.319 --> 00:29:52.559
and positive interventions and supports. Yes, Peba, Yes, those three

671
00:29:52.720 --> 00:29:56.079
evidence based programs are really the trifecta when combined together,

672
00:29:56.119 --> 00:29:58.680
which has never happened before in literature. When you combine

673
00:29:58.720 --> 00:30:02.880
all three is really the secret to the sauce, you know,

674
00:30:02.920 --> 00:30:05.400
the secret of you know, not just play therapy, not

675
00:30:05.519 --> 00:30:08.920
just PBIS or positive behavior interventions and supports, and not

676
00:30:08.960 --> 00:30:12.119
just solution focused therapy, but all together really compliment each

677
00:30:12.119 --> 00:30:15.359
other to make this parenting style the most effective that

678
00:30:15.359 --> 00:30:16.400
I've never seen before.

679
00:30:17.200 --> 00:30:20.200
And so many of the listeners they are juggling multiple jobs,

680
00:30:20.240 --> 00:30:24.960
school runs, toddlers. How would you persuade these stressed, time

681
00:30:25.039 --> 00:30:28.720
poor parents to play that play is worth the investment?

682
00:30:28.799 --> 00:30:31.039
And maybe what are too what are one or two

683
00:30:31.200 --> 00:30:34.359
like micro play moves that they can try quickly, like

684
00:30:34.440 --> 00:30:35.160
under five minutes.

685
00:30:35.599 --> 00:30:38.480
Yeah, no, that's great, Okay, so let's do this, Okay.

686
00:30:38.519 --> 00:30:40.079
So one of the ones that always comes top of

687
00:30:40.119 --> 00:30:42.519
mind that I share with quickly because again it doesn't

688
00:30:42.559 --> 00:30:44.279
usually sometimes even take a lot of time to think

689
00:30:44.319 --> 00:30:46.759
of it, But one of them is I'll go back

690
00:30:46.759 --> 00:30:48.599
to the picky eating chapter at meal time, because that

691
00:30:48.640 --> 00:30:50.200
seems to be a big struggle for a lot of people,

692
00:30:50.759 --> 00:30:53.640
no matter what age your kids are. And so one

693
00:30:53.799 --> 00:30:55.839
quick thing I share in that book or in that

694
00:30:55.920 --> 00:30:58.400
chapter is, instead of giving your kids a for work

695
00:30:58.440 --> 00:30:59.920
if they're kind of you know, having some power store

696
00:31:00.359 --> 00:31:02.279
kind of protesting at dinner times, instead of giving them

697
00:31:02.279 --> 00:31:04.000
the four it give them a pair of tongs. I

698
00:31:04.039 --> 00:31:06.720
get those little there's like many tongs you get at Amazon, right,

699
00:31:07.119 --> 00:31:08.839
And even just telling you about it, like you kind

700
00:31:08.839 --> 00:31:10.240
of smile and you laugh and you're like, oh, that

701
00:31:10.240 --> 00:31:12.359
that sounds actually kind of fun. Like I want to

702
00:31:12.400 --> 00:31:14.079
eat with tongs as an adult. I think that just

703
00:31:14.079 --> 00:31:17.279
sounds fun. And it's different. It's how it's outside the box.

704
00:31:17.279 --> 00:31:20.079
It's creative, and your kids will love it and they'll

705
00:31:20.119 --> 00:31:22.920
actually probably be more apt to eat the meal without

706
00:31:22.960 --> 00:31:25.119
the protest if you give them something fun like that

707
00:31:25.160 --> 00:31:26.359
to do. And I have a whole bunch in the

708
00:31:26.359 --> 00:31:29.119
book that are similar like that, like just really quick

709
00:31:29.119 --> 00:31:30.680
things that you have around the house to just make

710
00:31:30.720 --> 00:31:33.799
it more fun when it comes to eating or you know,

711
00:31:33.799 --> 00:31:35.680
when it comes to cleaning it, or toys when it

712
00:31:35.680 --> 00:31:39.000
comes to doing chores, when it comes to having tantrums

713
00:31:39.000 --> 00:31:42.519
and meltdowns, or if your child's just disregulated, and you know,

714
00:31:42.519 --> 00:31:44.480
I have a whole that's my longest chapter of just

715
00:31:44.680 --> 00:31:47.039
tip after tip after tip of here try this. You know,

716
00:31:47.079 --> 00:31:48.960
I have like the lantern method I have so when

717
00:31:49.000 --> 00:31:51.079
you read it makes more sense. But but the tong

718
00:31:51.200 --> 00:31:54.319
ones is My favorite a tantrum. One that I use

719
00:31:54.319 --> 00:31:57.359
a lot is having leaning into tantrums, not trying to

720
00:31:57.799 --> 00:31:59.559
protest it as much, but leaning into it. So if

721
00:31:59.599 --> 00:32:03.880
your child already activated and their nervous system was already escalated,

722
00:32:04.279 --> 00:32:07.480
get one of those little colorful sandtimers, and again something

723
00:32:07.599 --> 00:32:10.160
really inexpensive investment. If you don't have one, you can

724
00:32:10.160 --> 00:32:12.240
always use something at home too. You don't have to

725
00:32:12.240 --> 00:32:15.279
buy these things to make it effective. But have them

726
00:32:15.359 --> 00:32:17.720
lean into the tantrum and say, okay, you have five minutes.

727
00:32:17.799 --> 00:32:20.400
When the sandtimer's done. That's when time's up, and we're

728
00:32:20.440 --> 00:32:22.039
going to go on to the next thing, whatever it is,

729
00:32:22.119 --> 00:32:24.400
you know, whether it's a transition to something leaving the park,

730
00:32:24.880 --> 00:32:27.519
you know, whatever it is. And so they can stomp,

731
00:32:27.640 --> 00:32:29.920
they can cry, they can roll on the ground, as

732
00:32:29.960 --> 00:32:32.240
long as they're safe and the people around them are safe.

733
00:32:32.279 --> 00:32:36.160
It's a very strategic intervention for them to actually just say, okay, fine,

734
00:32:36.279 --> 00:32:38.160
have your tantrum. I'm all for it. I'll be right

735
00:32:38.200 --> 00:32:39.799
here waiting for you when you're done. You know, you're

736
00:32:39.839 --> 00:32:41.759
not abandoning them, you're not rejecting them, and they're not

737
00:32:41.799 --> 00:32:44.119
getting punished for it. And then when the time's up,

738
00:32:44.160 --> 00:32:45.799
then you're okay, now it's time to transition. And most

739
00:32:45.880 --> 00:32:47.759
kids don't even need that five minutes. I usually do

740
00:32:47.799 --> 00:32:49.880
a five minute timer. They need two or three because

741
00:32:49.880 --> 00:32:51.519
they're like, okay, I'm done, you know, and they want

742
00:32:51.519 --> 00:32:53.400
to move on to the next thing, you know. So

743
00:32:53.519 --> 00:32:55.359
that's a fun one. Or even the other day, I'll

744
00:32:55.359 --> 00:32:58.240
share something my husband just did. He my son was

745
00:32:58.359 --> 00:33:01.119
you know, laying on the counter, and he was tired.

746
00:33:01.160 --> 00:33:02.559
It was a long date. He didn't want to eat

747
00:33:02.559 --> 00:33:04.880
his dinner, and my husband was getting a little frustrated.

748
00:33:04.880 --> 00:33:08.160
And instead of punishing them or shaming him for not eating,

749
00:33:08.240 --> 00:33:09.680
or you know, and all the things we should go

750
00:33:09.720 --> 00:33:11.960
to bribing him, all the things we try his parents,

751
00:33:12.240 --> 00:33:14.079
he took his hand and he put it on his

752
00:33:14.160 --> 00:33:16.440
back and he wound him up like a toy or

753
00:33:16.440 --> 00:33:18.480
like a robot, and he wound him up, and he's like, okay,

754
00:33:18.519 --> 00:33:20.200
it looks like, you know, you're at a juice We

755
00:33:20.319 --> 00:33:21.920
need to put more juice into you. And he wound

756
00:33:21.960 --> 00:33:24.079
him up and he said, okay, now you have your

757
00:33:24.079 --> 00:33:26.279
one hundred percent, like your battery is charge. Now you

758
00:33:26.279 --> 00:33:29.440
can eat your dinner. And it worked. That's all he did,

759
00:33:29.480 --> 00:33:31.720
and that's all he said. It's just so little simple

760
00:33:32.000 --> 00:33:35.279
micropractices like that. Again, doesn't have to be a toy.

761
00:33:35.359 --> 00:33:37.160
It doesn't have to be you sitting on the floor

762
00:33:37.200 --> 00:33:39.799
for thirty minutes having active dialogue with your kids, which

763
00:33:39.839 --> 00:33:42.599
I know is not preferred and exhausting for a lot

764
00:33:42.599 --> 00:33:45.160
of parents. I don't know really any parents that love

765
00:33:45.240 --> 00:33:47.440
doing that all the time. But it's those little little

766
00:33:47.440 --> 00:33:49.319
shifts that you can do in the midst of what

767
00:33:49.359 --> 00:33:51.920
you're already doing, and just the language you use and

768
00:33:52.000 --> 00:33:54.359
the things that you say and do that really make

769
00:33:54.440 --> 00:33:57.319
this that effective. I love that. I'm going to use

770
00:33:57.319 --> 00:33:57.960
that for sure.

771
00:33:58.359 --> 00:34:05.359
Yeah, and your your approach refrains discipline through connection and

772
00:34:05.400 --> 00:34:07.720
play and parents, you know, for parents who are used

773
00:34:07.759 --> 00:34:11.360
to the timeouts and consequences, How do you kind of

774
00:34:11.360 --> 00:34:15.960
explain the difference between playful structure and permissiveness, because I

775
00:34:15.960 --> 00:34:19.239
feel like that comes up a lot where people think, oh, oh,

776
00:34:19.239 --> 00:34:21.360
you're just gonna be letting your kid, Oh you're gonna

777
00:34:21.400 --> 00:34:23.199
let your kids just do that, and they're you know,

778
00:34:23.719 --> 00:34:26.360
or so I get I guess that's kind of what

779
00:34:26.400 --> 00:34:28.159
I mean, Like, how do you reframe it to be like, no,

780
00:34:28.239 --> 00:34:29.480
this action yeah, it's hard.

781
00:34:29.599 --> 00:34:31.840
Like I said, that permissive ist type of parenting is

782
00:34:31.880 --> 00:34:34.000
what I'm trying to get away from, you know, because

783
00:34:34.079 --> 00:34:37.400
I feel like, you know, validating a child's emotions one

784
00:34:37.440 --> 00:34:39.760
hundred percent all the time, teach them or you know,

785
00:34:39.840 --> 00:34:42.760
validate them, teach them empathy, teach them how to do repairs,

786
00:34:42.800 --> 00:34:46.559
because you know, when there is a problem that occurs

787
00:34:46.639 --> 00:34:49.840
and someone does get hurt, whether it's physically, emotionally or whatever,

788
00:34:50.719 --> 00:34:53.280
you know, usually repairs the best way to patch that.

789
00:34:53.320 --> 00:34:55.440
But that goes back to the attachment and the connection piece.

790
00:34:55.480 --> 00:34:57.760
And so, like I said, if you if you use

791
00:34:57.880 --> 00:35:00.000
play in the way that I'm describing in the book,

792
00:35:00.400 --> 00:35:02.920
and you create that foundation, that safety net, if you

793
00:35:02.960 --> 00:35:06.920
will with your child, then when it comes to disciplining them,

794
00:35:07.039 --> 00:35:10.199
they're going to be more apt to listen, follow directions,

795
00:35:10.360 --> 00:35:13.360
not protest as much because you already have that foundation

796
00:35:13.480 --> 00:35:15.840
set up through the playfulness, through the things I was

797
00:35:15.880 --> 00:35:18.519
just describing on you know, and not reacting out of

798
00:35:18.559 --> 00:35:22.159
anger or punishments or things like that. That sometimes is

799
00:35:22.159 --> 00:35:23.639
our go to because that's how like again, we were

800
00:35:23.719 --> 00:35:26.719
raised and that's kind of our what we have been

801
00:35:26.800 --> 00:35:30.400
learned and by society saying this is what works. But

802
00:35:30.480 --> 00:35:32.440
in the long run it can be very detrimental, and

803
00:35:32.480 --> 00:35:33.880
we don't need to go into that, but I talk

804
00:35:33.920 --> 00:35:36.239
about it in the book about you know, chronic yelling

805
00:35:36.239 --> 00:35:39.239
at your children. Chronic punishments do lead to a lot

806
00:35:39.239 --> 00:35:42.199
of mental health anxiety and depression and flight or fight

807
00:35:42.360 --> 00:35:46.920
you know modes and things like that. So approaching it

808
00:35:46.960 --> 00:35:50.639
from this, but again I have a whole section on limits, boundaries,

809
00:35:50.679 --> 00:35:54.000
et cetera. So you know, setting the limits and saying

810
00:35:54.360 --> 00:35:57.960
you know your feelings are valid, but the way you're

811
00:35:57.960 --> 00:36:00.320
behaving is not okay, that doesn't follow the rules of

812
00:36:00.320 --> 00:36:02.480
our home, that doesn't follow on my behavior expectations, which

813
00:36:02.559 --> 00:36:04.480
you tell them ahead of time, and they already know

814
00:36:04.519 --> 00:36:06.519
what they they already shouldn't know what they mean, and

815
00:36:06.559 --> 00:36:09.199
because you're very open dialogue with them on that. And

816
00:36:09.280 --> 00:36:11.039
then but then you know, falling through and if you

817
00:36:11.119 --> 00:36:13.000
had that limit set, then you need to follow through

818
00:36:13.039 --> 00:36:16.559
with whatever that natural or you know, predetermined consequence is.

819
00:36:16.639 --> 00:36:18.519
I call them outcomes in the book, but you know,

820
00:36:18.599 --> 00:36:21.480
same difference, but you know, doing things like the do

821
00:36:21.599 --> 00:36:23.920
over method I talk about in the book. So let's

822
00:36:23.920 --> 00:36:25.599
say your child knows they're not supposed to be running

823
00:36:25.599 --> 00:36:28.119
down the stairs, which we know is a safety concern obviously, right,

824
00:36:28.159 --> 00:36:30.719
But kids get excited, they run, That's just what they do.

825
00:36:31.000 --> 00:36:32.800
Like when you go to tell kid not to run,

826
00:36:32.880 --> 00:36:34.679
and then they start like kind of walking really fast,

827
00:36:34.840 --> 00:36:36.880
skipping or in a hoping because they're like, well, I'm

828
00:36:36.920 --> 00:36:40.199
not running. So instead of you know, saying don't run,

829
00:36:40.280 --> 00:36:42.159
you say, you know, please walk, but you know, changing

830
00:36:42.239 --> 00:36:45.039
language like that. But the duover method. They're running down

831
00:36:45.079 --> 00:36:48.239
the stairs and you say, hey, you know that that's

832
00:36:48.280 --> 00:36:49.960
not the rule of our home. The ruin our homeless

833
00:36:49.960 --> 00:36:51.400
for us, and you take it out of your own

834
00:36:51.880 --> 00:36:55.239
you know, emotionality, and you just based on the rules solely,

835
00:36:55.280 --> 00:36:56.800
and you say, you know, the rule in our home

836
00:36:56.880 --> 00:36:58.719
is to walk down the stairs. So I would love

837
00:36:58.719 --> 00:37:00.519
for you to go right back up this stairs and

838
00:37:00.559 --> 00:37:03.119
then walk down and show me how it's done. And

839
00:37:03.199 --> 00:37:06.239
if they do it, and then that's it. There's no

840
00:37:06.280 --> 00:37:09.440
consequence to that. Yes, they did something wrong by running

841
00:37:09.480 --> 00:37:12.280
down the stairs, but they were able to stop themselves

842
00:37:12.320 --> 00:37:15.000
and redirect them to have that do over, and so

843
00:37:15.039 --> 00:37:16.800
then you just praise them and say great, thank you

844
00:37:16.840 --> 00:37:19.000
so much for listening. In fond directions and doing it

845
00:37:19.039 --> 00:37:20.920
the right way, and you know, I'd love to see

846
00:37:20.920 --> 00:37:22.599
that more in the future and then you move on,

847
00:37:23.079 --> 00:37:25.480
you know, so I share different things like that in

848
00:37:25.519 --> 00:37:27.400
the book on how you can how you can set

849
00:37:27.440 --> 00:37:30.360
those limits and those boundaries with them in an effective

850
00:37:30.400 --> 00:37:33.079
way that doesn't shame them or blame them or you know,

851
00:37:33.159 --> 00:37:35.039
things like that, because there are going to be those

852
00:37:35.079 --> 00:37:37.559
moments that play doesn't fit in. That's where that other

853
00:37:37.599 --> 00:37:39.239
half of the book comes from, where you know you

854
00:37:39.280 --> 00:37:40.559
do need that structure set.

855
00:37:40.480 --> 00:37:43.519
Up and that is going to be We had an

856
00:37:43.559 --> 00:37:46.639
incident today with my son. Him and my daughter were

857
00:37:46.679 --> 00:37:50.480
playing and he he hit her in the face because

858
00:37:50.880 --> 00:37:53.400
and he has these he has them like every once

859
00:37:53.400 --> 00:37:57.239
in a while where you can tell he gets like overstimulated,

860
00:37:57.440 --> 00:38:01.760
angry and he's almost for he hit her in the face.

861
00:38:01.840 --> 00:38:06.880
And so you know, we're we we do play and

862
00:38:06.920 --> 00:38:09.400
we do time out consequences as well. Like you know,

863
00:38:09.639 --> 00:38:12.239
obviously in that situation, we didn't do my husband didn't

864
00:38:12.280 --> 00:38:14.480
do anything play in the moment. But what would you

865
00:38:14.480 --> 00:38:17.119
suggest that could be, like we took a stuff he's

866
00:38:17.159 --> 00:38:19.280
away and had him sit and time out for that

867
00:38:19.400 --> 00:38:20.920
what I don't know if that's right.

868
00:38:21.000 --> 00:38:23.760
Or wrong. I mean, you know, honestly, I feel like

869
00:38:23.800 --> 00:38:26.719
a lot of parenting is honestly just about trial and error.

870
00:38:26.800 --> 00:38:28.800
You know of what works for you, what works for

871
00:38:28.840 --> 00:38:30.639
your child, what works in your home based on their

872
00:38:30.639 --> 00:38:33.119
developmental level, their you know, their age, their temperament, you

873
00:38:33.159 --> 00:38:35.079
know all those things. And so I don't know if

874
00:38:35.119 --> 00:38:37.199
she say that what you did was wrong. I think

875
00:38:37.239 --> 00:38:39.079
I've done something very similar to that with my kids

876
00:38:39.119 --> 00:38:40.960
in the past, because a lot of times, again we're in

877
00:38:41.000 --> 00:38:42.800
that moment, we just go right to what we think

878
00:38:42.840 --> 00:38:45.280
of and if we second guess ourselves, you know, later

879
00:38:45.320 --> 00:38:46.679
we can say, oh, I probably shouldn't have done that,

880
00:38:46.719 --> 00:38:48.159
MA able to do differently next time. But you can't

881
00:38:48.159 --> 00:38:50.760
really go back. I mean, teaching your kids that they're

882
00:38:50.840 --> 00:38:52.599
you know, you're not perfect either, and you're gonna make

883
00:38:52.599 --> 00:38:55.039
it heeded in the moment and share that along with them,

884
00:38:55.079 --> 00:38:59.280
I mean, it's perfectly fine and even encouraged. So a

885
00:38:59.360 --> 00:39:01.519
couple things. The one is I talk a lot in

886
00:39:01.559 --> 00:39:03.559
the book. I think of a chapter called well, I

887
00:39:03.559 --> 00:39:04.800
know I have a chapter called this, but I think

888
00:39:04.800 --> 00:39:07.639
it's called the ABC's of Behavior, and where it talks

889
00:39:07.679 --> 00:39:10.800
about being that detective, being curious, behind what the child's

890
00:39:10.800 --> 00:39:13.920
behavior is. And so with your son, you know, maybe

891
00:39:13.960 --> 00:39:16.360
he was triggered because he was hungry, he was tired,

892
00:39:16.400 --> 00:39:19.079
he was overstimulated, like you said, maybe she took a

893
00:39:19.119 --> 00:39:21.280
toy from him and he got upset about that, or

894
00:39:21.320 --> 00:39:23.000
she wasn't sharing, or he you know, he didn't want

895
00:39:23.000 --> 00:39:25.480
to share, or whatever the case was. But figuring that

896
00:39:25.599 --> 00:39:28.519
out first, and then I even have a part where

897
00:39:28.559 --> 00:39:31.400
I talk about preventing those behaviors from happening in the

898
00:39:31.400 --> 00:39:33.719
first place, because let's say him know, he's getting tired,

899
00:39:33.840 --> 00:39:36.400
you know, he's hungry, Like maybe we'removing them before those

900
00:39:36.440 --> 00:39:39.079
things actually happen, and kind of catching them before he

901
00:39:39.119 --> 00:39:41.480
gets escalator, before the hitting even takes place in the

902
00:39:41.480 --> 00:39:44.360
first place. I do have a chapter on anger and aggression,

903
00:39:44.360 --> 00:39:46.280
and there's lots of different tools in there and ideas

904
00:39:46.280 --> 00:39:48.880
of what parents can do for that chapter specifically, and

905
00:39:48.920 --> 00:39:52.119
then maybe using a limit setting and replacement strategy, so

906
00:39:52.719 --> 00:39:55.639
you know, saying, Okay, your sister's not for hitting, or

907
00:39:55.639 --> 00:39:58.079
I see you hit your sister, she took the toy

908
00:39:58.119 --> 00:40:00.159
away from you. I know that hurt your feelings that

909
00:40:00.199 --> 00:40:03.199
made you mad. Being mad is totally okay, but hitting

910
00:40:03.199 --> 00:40:05.599
your sister is not okay, and really separating those two

911
00:40:05.639 --> 00:40:08.599
as a boundary, and then say and then redirecting it

912
00:40:08.639 --> 00:40:11.159
and again this is all evidence based, but redirecting it

913
00:40:11.199 --> 00:40:13.400
and say, okay, so if she's not hitting, what you

914
00:40:13.480 --> 00:40:15.559
can do is when you're mad, and you can have

915
00:40:15.639 --> 00:40:16.960
this in the playroom, you can have one in his

916
00:40:17.000 --> 00:40:19.039
bedroom wherever you might, maybe in the car, I don't know,

917
00:40:19.199 --> 00:40:21.159
but have like a pillow or something nearby where he

918
00:40:21.199 --> 00:40:23.119
can just hit that instead, like, Okay, you can't hit

919
00:40:23.159 --> 00:40:25.280
your sister, but you can hit this pillow, or when

920
00:40:25.280 --> 00:40:27.000
you're mad, you can hit your stuff animal even like

921
00:40:27.039 --> 00:40:28.960
just something that's not gonna hurt him or somebody else.

922
00:40:29.039 --> 00:40:31.679
And you know, so when he gets mad eventually he

923
00:40:31.800 --> 00:40:34.119
might and you know, he's still on the younger side,

924
00:40:34.119 --> 00:40:35.360
so it's it's one of those things you kind of

925
00:40:35.360 --> 00:40:38.039
have to reteach a few times before they really get it.

926
00:40:38.840 --> 00:40:41.320
But you know, redirecting him and saying, you know, and

927
00:40:41.679 --> 00:40:43.960
like I said, defining the difference between the feeling and

928
00:40:44.000 --> 00:40:46.880
the behavior and then giving him options of what he

929
00:40:46.920 --> 00:40:49.679
can do with his anger instead, maybe he leaves the

930
00:40:49.719 --> 00:40:52.280
room really quickly and you know, screams at the top

931
00:40:52.280 --> 00:40:54.199
of his lungs or you know whatever. I've probably got

932
00:40:54.480 --> 00:40:58.440
tons of ideas, but whatever is going to work for him,

933
00:40:58.840 --> 00:41:01.400
and reminding him, Hey, when you feel your body get

934
00:41:01.400 --> 00:41:03.360
angry like that and you want to hit your sister,

935
00:41:03.760 --> 00:41:05.440
what can you do instead? And teach him that in

936
00:41:05.480 --> 00:41:08.360
the calm moments, so when he's in that adrenaline state

937
00:41:08.360 --> 00:41:10.239
and he's ready to you know, hit her in the face,

938
00:41:10.519 --> 00:41:13.079
he remembers, oh, wait, when I'm angry, I'm supposed to

939
00:41:13.079 --> 00:41:15.880
do this instead, And so you're you know, teaching it.

940
00:41:15.880 --> 00:41:18.320
So when the time actually comes, hopefully he'll remember that

941
00:41:18.400 --> 00:41:22.119
and sooner than later he won't do it again, I hope.

942
00:41:22.159 --> 00:41:26.800
So I know what you do, take some breasts, leave

943
00:41:26.840 --> 00:41:29.320
the room, you know, but I'm gonna maybe maybe I'll

944
00:41:29.320 --> 00:41:32.039
try the you can go hit your own your stuffy

945
00:41:32.119 --> 00:41:34.079
or your pillow or something that might it might.

946
00:41:34.079 --> 00:41:36.079
Help, say, I mean, you know, like I said, validate

947
00:41:36.119 --> 00:41:38.679
his his feelings because you know those are them but

948
00:41:38.719 --> 00:41:40.920
in the state. But you're not. But you're not being

949
00:41:40.960 --> 00:41:43.719
safe with your hands. So we're gonna have to leave now.

950
00:41:43.800 --> 00:41:45.679
And so the boundary is that he needs, you know,

951
00:41:45.840 --> 00:41:47.880
instead of you taking his stuff away, he needs to

952
00:41:48.000 --> 00:41:50.320
leave and he might kick and scream on his way out,

953
00:41:50.360 --> 00:41:52.880
but he needs to leave and say you're not when

954
00:41:53.079 --> 00:41:54.920
when you can, when you decide you can be safe

955
00:41:54.920 --> 00:41:56.960
with your hands, then you can go play again with

956
00:41:57.000 --> 00:41:59.920
your sister. But until then, let's have a cool down

957
00:42:00.000 --> 00:42:01.400
and you can sit with them. And they said, do

958
00:42:01.400 --> 00:42:03.639
those deep breaths or whatever it takes to regulate him again,

959
00:42:03.800 --> 00:42:06.440
but follow through and take them out, regulate each other,

960
00:42:06.519 --> 00:42:09.840
and then he can go back in for another tribe. Yeah,

961
00:42:09.920 --> 00:42:12.920
I will take that advice. Yeah, hopefully, yeah, you know,

962
00:42:13.280 --> 00:42:15.159
if it works, hopefully, I know.

963
00:42:17.119 --> 00:42:20.360
So how do play based strategies change from toddlerhood through

964
00:42:20.360 --> 00:42:22.480
tween years and then to adolescent.

965
00:42:23.400 --> 00:42:27.800
You know, I think it definitely see developmentally, things change,

966
00:42:27.840 --> 00:42:31.400
cognitively things change, and play looks different from toddlerhood to

967
00:42:31.400 --> 00:42:34.800
tween hood and teenagehood. Boundaries look a lot different. And

968
00:42:34.800 --> 00:42:36.519
I was just talking some of the day about how

969
00:42:36.800 --> 00:42:39.760
I was doing an episode on sleep training and how

970
00:42:39.800 --> 00:42:41.760
different even sleep is. We know when your kids are

971
00:42:41.760 --> 00:42:43.519
a little versus your kids are older and you're still

972
00:42:43.559 --> 00:42:46.519
lose sleep, But when they're teens, you're there, they have

973
00:42:46.559 --> 00:42:48.159
a curfew and they have their own car, and they're

974
00:42:48.199 --> 00:42:50.760
out in the world and you're up because you're worrying,

975
00:42:50.800 --> 00:42:52.239
wondering when they're going to come home and if they're

976
00:42:52.239 --> 00:42:53.840
going to come home safely, and who they're with and

977
00:42:53.880 --> 00:42:56.320
what they're doing, you know, versus when they're little and

978
00:42:56.360 --> 00:42:59.239
you're not sleeping for obvious reasons. So I think, you know,

979
00:42:59.400 --> 00:43:02.360
as we evolve in parenthood, you know so much changes.

980
00:43:02.480 --> 00:43:04.159
And you know, one question I do get asked a lot,

981
00:43:04.239 --> 00:43:06.639
is you know, from toddlerhood to twein hood or teenagehood.

982
00:43:06.639 --> 00:43:08.679
I'm a twelve year old now, of what does play

983
00:43:08.679 --> 00:43:10.840
look like at those ages or what does parenting look

984
00:43:10.880 --> 00:43:14.159
like at those ages? And it does change. However, I

985
00:43:14.159 --> 00:43:16.599
would like to say the constant that I see even

986
00:43:16.639 --> 00:43:18.559
with my own children as they grow. And I've worked

987
00:43:18.559 --> 00:43:20.719
with a lot of high schools and teenagers in the

988
00:43:20.760 --> 00:43:23.039
past and have even taught in high school before, and

989
00:43:23.119 --> 00:43:26.039
so is the connection piece never goes away. The attachment

990
00:43:26.079 --> 00:43:28.800
piece is always there, and playfulness can always be there,

991
00:43:28.840 --> 00:43:30.960
just looks different maybe when they're teams and tweens. It's

992
00:43:30.960 --> 00:43:33.880
more about having you know, listening to music together and

993
00:43:34.079 --> 00:43:37.159
you know and or you know, building legos together, or

994
00:43:37.440 --> 00:43:40.519
you know, doing puzzles together, playing board games or Uno

995
00:43:40.639 --> 00:43:43.039
or something like that, versus you know, playing with dinosaurs

996
00:43:43.039 --> 00:43:45.239
and cars and trucks and toys and you know, dolls

997
00:43:45.239 --> 00:43:48.440
and things like that. So playing and playing and getting

998
00:43:48.480 --> 00:43:51.599
that connection through play is no matter what, you know,

999
00:43:51.719 --> 00:43:54.760
zero to eighteen and beyond is still there. And the

1000
00:43:54.760 --> 00:43:57.199
attachment piece they need to connect with their parents, you know,

1001
00:43:57.239 --> 00:44:00.079
they need to connect with their caregivers in order to

1002
00:44:00.119 --> 00:44:02.880
have a good positive relationship. And so any way you

1003
00:44:02.880 --> 00:44:05.199
can find to connect with them no matter what age

1004
00:44:05.199 --> 00:44:06.920
they're at, you know, finding what they like. So when

1005
00:44:06.920 --> 00:44:09.199
they're little, they might like trains and dinosaurs and dolls

1006
00:44:09.239 --> 00:44:12.039
and so forth, and then as they get older it

1007
00:44:12.119 --> 00:44:14.440
might shift a little bit, but still hanging on to

1008
00:44:15.280 --> 00:44:18.000
having those daily check ins with them, keeping a pulse

1009
00:44:18.039 --> 00:44:20.480
on their mental health, the things they like, the friends

1010
00:44:20.519 --> 00:44:23.880
they're hanging out with, their interests as they change, and

1011
00:44:24.199 --> 00:44:26.320
genuinely being with them and just showing an interest in

1012
00:44:26.360 --> 00:44:29.199
what they're doing too, and just having a respect for

1013
00:44:29.239 --> 00:44:31.679
that as well, like respecting them for the person they're

1014
00:44:31.719 --> 00:44:34.559
turning into and say, hey, you know, I, you know,

1015
00:44:34.599 --> 00:44:36.719
you really love art. Let's cultivate that. Let's take an

1016
00:44:36.719 --> 00:44:39.480
our class together, you know, something like that where it

1017
00:44:39.559 --> 00:44:42.280
still creates that space that you can have with just

1018
00:44:42.320 --> 00:44:44.679
the two of you, but just looks a little different

1019
00:44:44.679 --> 00:44:45.159
as they grow.

1020
00:44:45.360 --> 00:44:46.920
And then the other one I wanted to ask is

1021
00:44:46.920 --> 00:44:51.400
about parents of neurodiverse kids. You know, they need practical

1022
00:44:51.599 --> 00:44:54.519
tools too. How do you adapt your play based methods

1023
00:44:54.519 --> 00:44:57.320
for children on the autism spectrum or kids with sensory

1024
00:44:57.320 --> 00:44:58.480
different different.

1025
00:44:58.480 --> 00:45:01.079
Great question, and again not the first time I've been

1026
00:45:01.119 --> 00:45:04.760
asked this actually for the past. I think I resigned

1027
00:45:04.760 --> 00:45:07.039
about two years ago, but before that I worked for

1028
00:45:07.199 --> 00:45:10.719
a center in southern California that was specifically for children

1029
00:45:10.800 --> 00:45:13.960
that were neurodiverse on the autism spectrum, and so for

1030
00:45:14.000 --> 00:45:16.440
four years I worked with so many different, you know,

1031
00:45:16.519 --> 00:45:19.400
clients of all different ages from the little ones literally

1032
00:45:19.559 --> 00:45:23.719
I think my youngest was three, possibly all the way

1033
00:45:23.760 --> 00:45:26.519
through in their young young twenties, and in a lot

1034
00:45:26.599 --> 00:45:28.719
of a lot of the play based strategies I use

1035
00:45:28.760 --> 00:45:31.559
in my book, I actually would work with them as well,

1036
00:45:31.679 --> 00:45:34.079
and a lot of them did work. Especially a lot

1037
00:45:34.119 --> 00:45:37.519
of the kids that I worked with were nonverbal, or

1038
00:45:37.559 --> 00:45:40.800
they just had very severe ADHD so they couldn't focus

1039
00:45:40.880 --> 00:45:44.079
very easily, or you know well as as a comorbid diagnosis,

1040
00:45:44.199 --> 00:45:47.039
or they didn't have the speaking, speech and language skills,

1041
00:45:47.039 --> 00:45:50.280
and so play became very almost more vital in that

1042
00:45:50.559 --> 00:45:54.519
neurodiverse community than it did for the typical neurotypical child

1043
00:45:54.960 --> 00:45:58.000
because they didn't have the language skills. You know a

1044
00:45:58.000 --> 00:45:59.800
lot of the kids that you know, I say, play

1045
00:45:59.880 --> 00:46:02.239
is is their language, and it is even for typical

1046
00:46:02.320 --> 00:46:05.039
children who don't want to talk with We started our

1047
00:46:05.039 --> 00:46:07.000
episode talking about that. You know how kids don't really

1048
00:46:07.000 --> 00:46:09.119
that's not their language to talk to parents. But when

1049
00:46:09.159 --> 00:46:12.760
your child can't physically talk to you, it just it

1050
00:46:12.840 --> 00:46:15.480
layers a whole other level of complexity. And so play

1051
00:46:15.480 --> 00:46:19.559
becomes vital for those neurodiverse children who don't literally have

1052
00:46:19.760 --> 00:46:22.039
physically had those language skills, and so you know, you

1053
00:46:22.119 --> 00:46:25.000
might be connecting through animal sounds. I remember one client

1054
00:46:25.039 --> 00:46:27.920
I had. She couldn't talk, but she would do animal sounds,

1055
00:46:27.920 --> 00:46:29.920
and so her parent and her would sit there on

1056
00:46:29.960 --> 00:46:32.000
the floor. It was so beautiful and they would sit

1057
00:46:32.039 --> 00:46:34.400
on the floor and do animal sounds together. She'd be like, Okay,

1058
00:46:34.440 --> 00:46:37.440
this is a tiger and she would roar, or this

1059
00:46:37.519 --> 00:46:38.960
is a pig and she would owink or you know,

1060
00:46:39.000 --> 00:46:42.480
whatever it was. And then her child, who again couldn't talk,

1061
00:46:42.599 --> 00:46:44.159
but she would make these little you know, you know,

1062
00:46:44.360 --> 00:46:46.920
or she would go nay or whatever it was, and

1063
00:46:47.159 --> 00:46:49.239
it was just so beautiful that they connected through this

1064
00:46:49.320 --> 00:46:52.440
playful banter with each other and didn't even need words

1065
00:46:52.480 --> 00:46:55.199
at all. And so again, a lot of the things

1066
00:46:55.239 --> 00:46:57.440
that I that I present in the book, a lot

1067
00:46:57.440 --> 00:46:59.880
of the concepts and strategies I present in the book

1068
00:47:00.199 --> 00:47:03.239
have been used in the neurodiverse community and are great

1069
00:47:03.239 --> 00:47:05.840
for neurodiverse children. If there's a parent out there listening

1070
00:47:05.920 --> 00:47:11.280
that has has a child on the spectrum, well, this

1071
00:47:11.320 --> 00:47:13.519
conversation was just wonderful.

1072
00:47:13.679 --> 00:47:17.320
I could just keep talking for hours, but I'll let

1073
00:47:17.360 --> 00:47:21.719
you get back to your your your life after this combo.

1074
00:47:22.159 --> 00:47:25.079
But I'm going to leave the listeners with one more question.

1075
00:47:25.760 --> 00:47:28.880
So I would like you to finish this sentence. If

1076
00:47:28.920 --> 00:47:32.920
parents understood this one thing about play, everything would shift.

1077
00:47:32.960 --> 00:47:34.320
I'm probably not going to say this in like one

1078
00:47:34.400 --> 00:47:38.559
one or two words. Okay, I feel like a paragraph,

1079
00:47:38.559 --> 00:47:41.800
not a sentence, but no, that's all right, but I

1080
00:47:42.000 --> 00:47:44.639
finished the paragraph. Yeah, yeah, I think if they just

1081
00:47:44.880 --> 00:47:50.039
understood that of how well it actually works as as

1082
00:47:50.079 --> 00:47:51.679
I talked about and you brought it at the beginning.

1083
00:47:52.000 --> 00:47:58.079
It's such an underutilized, you know, modality that if parents

1084
00:47:58.119 --> 00:48:01.280
really knew how it actually worked, and they did read

1085
00:48:01.320 --> 00:48:03.480
this book cover to cover and actually implement it in

1086
00:48:03.519 --> 00:48:07.199
their own home, they would see the hugest shift. They

1087
00:48:07.239 --> 00:48:12.119
would see much better connection, much better communication, much more peacefulness,

1088
00:48:12.159 --> 00:48:13.920
a lot and a lot less of those other things

1089
00:48:13.920 --> 00:48:16.239
that we've talked about before, the power struggles, the tantrums,

1090
00:48:16.280 --> 00:48:18.920
the defiance, the anger they aggresh, and the yelling, the crying.

1091
00:48:19.480 --> 00:48:22.079
They would see so much less of that. And again,

1092
00:48:22.280 --> 00:48:25.360
we're human and we have emotions, parents and kids alike,

1093
00:48:25.400 --> 00:48:27.719
and so not every day is going to be rainbows

1094
00:48:27.760 --> 00:48:30.519
and sunshine, and neither is a play based strategies that

1095
00:48:30.519 --> 00:48:32.880
I share about in my book, they're meant to use

1096
00:48:32.920 --> 00:48:36.280
them in your daily life and it will shift everything.

1097
00:48:36.480 --> 00:48:39.199
But I think just just you know, being like I said,

1098
00:48:39.239 --> 00:48:40.639
I'm going to go back to what I said before,

1099
00:48:40.639 --> 00:48:43.000
and just being have an open mindset and being open

1100
00:48:43.079 --> 00:48:47.199
to these strategies and using them. And just like you know,

1101
00:48:47.360 --> 00:48:49.280
your eyes lit up when it works for you, a

1102
00:48:49.400 --> 00:48:51.599
mine when it works for me, and it will for

1103
00:48:51.679 --> 00:48:53.599
them too. I was speaking at a conference a couple

1104
00:48:53.679 --> 00:48:55.519
weeks ago, and I shared a lot of what I'm

1105
00:48:55.559 --> 00:48:58.320
sharing today, and I had four or five moms text

1106
00:48:58.360 --> 00:49:01.360
me that night and say I didn't really realize how

1107
00:49:01.360 --> 00:49:03.119
easy this was. One was saying they were trying to

1108
00:49:03.119 --> 00:49:05.760
get their child out of the shower and the child

1109
00:49:05.840 --> 00:49:07.360
was refusing to get out of the shower to get

1110
00:49:07.360 --> 00:49:09.800
ready for bed, and she said, normally she would have

1111
00:49:09.840 --> 00:49:12.639
just yelled or given a consequence for not listening, or

1112
00:49:12.639 --> 00:49:14.679
whatever the case may be, but she had me in

1113
00:49:14.719 --> 00:49:17.159
her head, and she said, you know, she had them

1114
00:49:17.199 --> 00:49:19.679
like roar like a tiger all the way to his bedroom,

1115
00:49:19.719 --> 00:49:21.280
and you know, she's like, okay, pick an animal you

1116
00:49:21.280 --> 00:49:23.079
want to be. Let's act that out and then you

1117
00:49:23.119 --> 00:49:25.360
can get out of the shower and go to your room.

1118
00:49:25.519 --> 00:49:28.480
And it worked. And she was like dumbfounded, like it

1119
00:49:28.519 --> 00:49:31.159
was just like, oh my gosh, it actually worked and

1120
00:49:31.199 --> 00:49:33.760
it diffused everything and it made everything so much easier

1121
00:49:33.800 --> 00:49:35.760
and better. And she was like, thank you. I just

1122
00:49:35.840 --> 00:49:38.440
never would have thought to even try that or use

1123
00:49:38.519 --> 00:49:41.440
that type of strategy. So I think when people read

1124
00:49:41.599 --> 00:49:43.639
this book and they have those aha moments and they

1125
00:49:43.679 --> 00:49:46.079
actually try these things and see them actually working, in

1126
00:49:46.119 --> 00:49:48.039
real life and how much better it's going to make

1127
00:49:48.039 --> 00:49:49.920
them as a parent or you know, have a better

1128
00:49:50.039 --> 00:49:53.239
you know, parent child relationship. That's that's my hope, that's

1129
00:49:53.280 --> 00:49:55.679
my goal and hope that that's what they get out

1130
00:49:55.719 --> 00:49:58.599
of it. Told you it's going to be a paragraph.

1131
00:49:58.840 --> 00:50:01.519
I love it though. It's a great way to end it.

1132
00:50:01.599 --> 00:50:03.800
I mean, that's super important and so many of the

1133
00:50:03.800 --> 00:50:06.480
things that you talked about I'm going to start implementing

1134
00:50:07.159 --> 00:50:07.960
in my life.

1135
00:50:08.039 --> 00:50:11.079
And I haven't even you know, gotten through the whole book.

1136
00:50:11.159 --> 00:50:14.199
So I know that the listeners will be able to

1137
00:50:14.280 --> 00:50:16.440
utilize this a lot of the things you gave in

1138
00:50:16.480 --> 00:50:18.920
this conversation, and I'm sure the book.

1139
00:50:19.000 --> 00:50:21.599
I know the book will give them even more. I

1140
00:50:21.639 --> 00:50:23.679
already know, you know, I'm going to be texting on

1141
00:50:23.760 --> 00:50:27.519
my friends. Get it. You'll you'll understand. Try it.

1142
00:50:28.840 --> 00:50:30.960
So thank you for coming on and talking about that.

1143
00:50:31.039 --> 00:50:33.360
I really appreciate it absolutely well.

1144
00:50:33.400 --> 00:50:34.440
Thank you for having me.

1145
00:50:36.119 --> 00:50:37.960
And so that'll bring us to the end of another

1146
00:50:38.000 --> 00:50:40.840
episode of The Running Wine Mom. As always, thank you

1147
00:50:40.920 --> 00:50:43.679
everyone for spending time with us today, and don't forget

1148
00:50:43.679 --> 00:50:46.119
to subscribe, leave a review, and share this episode with

1149
00:50:46.159 --> 00:50:48.079
someone who needs to hear it. You can follow me

1150
00:50:48.119 --> 00:50:52.119
on Instagram at the Running Wine Mom Underscore and where

1151
00:50:52.159 --> 00:50:54.519
can the listeners find you and your book?

1152
00:50:55.199 --> 00:50:57.400
You can find the book wherever books are sold. It's

1153
00:50:57.400 --> 00:51:00.320
on Amazon, Burnes and Noble Books a million, might even

1154
00:51:00.360 --> 00:51:02.920
be in your indie bookstore, so there's lots of places

1155
00:51:02.920 --> 00:51:05.559
to find them. On my website, the parentologists dot com,

1156
00:51:05.599 --> 00:51:08.079
you can start there, and I'm most active on Instagram,

1157
00:51:08.159 --> 00:51:11.320
So if you find me at the Parentologist, you'll see

1158
00:51:11.320 --> 00:51:14.280
me on there, and you'll see my podcast and different

1159
00:51:14.280 --> 00:51:16.920
things and resources as well and different links to things.

1160
00:51:16.920 --> 00:51:18.239
But that's where you can find me and where I'm.

1161
00:51:18.239 --> 00:51:20.639
Where I'm you can find me the most.

1162
00:51:20.840 --> 00:51:23.760
Awesome and I will link all of that. Thank you

1163
00:51:23.800 --> 00:51:26.079
again for coming on. I really appreciate it.

1164
00:51:26.119 --> 00:51:26.559
Thank you.

1165
00:51:28.119 --> 00:51:30.039
So thank you so much for joining us today. Remember

1166
00:51:30.079 --> 00:51:32.320
you are strong, you were capable, and you were all amazing.

1167
00:51:32.440 --> 00:51:35.239
Until next time, keep running, keep sipping, keep playing, and

1168
00:51:35.320 --> 00:51:38.519
keep embracing the joy of motherhood tears, and I'll be

1169
00:51:38.599 --> 00:51:44.960
back next Tuesday.